Preface
12
Introduction
Internal Groundwork
Getting In Touch With Your Purrfectly Authentic ™ Self
22
Ready…Set…but I thought we were in a relationship!?!?!?
Relationship Overview
42
Phase I
Friendship
Locating the Desired Neighborhood
50
Phase II
Dating but not exclusively
Surveying the landscape
66
Phase III
Dating Exclusively--Committed Relationship
Laying the Foundation
100
Phase IV
Engagement--Planning a Life Together
Building the House
122
Phase V
Marriage
L earning, Loving and Growing Together
140
Final Thoughts
148
It was spring, the season of renewal and rebirth, the season of hope and inspiration, the season of new beginnings. Spring, the season of anticipation when new life emerges from the dormant seeds of winter ushering in the change of seasons. Sometimes, however, the seeds of change leave us harvesting a difficult crop. And so it was for me in the spring of 2003.
This season of new beginnings was marked by a sad and painful end; my four-year relationship was over and so this season of rebirth took on a completely new meaning. I sadly faced the reality that I was alone and in my aloneness, I was not at all sure who I was and I was less certain about who I wanted to be, or who I was going to become for that matter.
My life plan was to love my partner until the end of time. “It’s just me and you, everything else is just a movie,” I would say. Oh, how I wanted to believe it! Had I been fooling myself into thinking that no matter what, we could overcome all obstacles? Had I ignored the signs in hopes that my deepest desires could be my reality? I now question whether we stayed together because of love despite our obvious differences, or for the numerous other reasons that generally keep couples together.
We were comfortable; we shared a house, it was less frightening to be a partner with someone than to face the fear of being alone. So many questions came to mind and I was determined to find the answers. Not only the answers to these questions, but the answers to the many questions that popped into my head about love, relationships, dating, commitment, marriage, friendship and life. See, I had lived, loved and lost so much and with the end of this partnership I was determined to grow through it and that meant going within and answering these difficult questions.
Would it not be easy to consider myself the angel and point my accusing finger at my ex- husbands, former boyfriends, past partners, or the fathers of my children and allow myself to believe it was their entire fault? In reality, that would be a lie. It took a long time for me to see the truth, even longer to acknowledge and accept what I saw and longer still to take action to change it. During my time alone, my sabbatical, if you will, I learned a great deal about honesty and for the first time, I understood MY truth. I discovered my likes and dislikes; not the superficial rehearsed ones that people ask about on an early date (which we more than likely do not answer honestly from the very beginning), but the truth deep down inside.
I examined my past relationships and began sifting through the debris left in their wake. I began to consider how I might have deceived myself whether in the beginning when I decided to enter into the relationship or in the end when I hesitated to terminate one even when it clearly needed to be done. I was determined to scrutinize the patterns in my life, come to terms with my part in creating the situation and to stop playing the victim.
Late one evening during meditation, I asked to know the truth about my relationships. I was not looking for the “textbook” version of the truth; I wanted to know the connection between my spiritual being, my emotions and my beliefs and how they merged to manifest in all of my relationships. I was looking for an epiphany!
I discovered that spring, the season of new beginnings, of rebirth, of growth, is also the season that restores our faith . . . if we let it. This is the season when we learn that life as we see it with our eyes is not all there is. Sometimes we need to go deep, deep within to learn the meaning of “rebirth.”
I fell asleep and when I awoke, my eyes would not open. My soaked pillow, my swollen eyes and my runny nose clearly indicated that I had cried through the night. I forced my eyes open, washed my face, cleared my head, grabbed my journal and began to recall the messages of my dreams. I went on a journey that night, “The Journey through My Heart.”
The Journey through My Heart©
By Anita Charlot
It was so peaceful…the way my heart answered all of my questions. She held my hand and immediately I felt love - a love that expanded beyond anything I had ever known. Even though I knew that I was about to relive all of my past pain, I was not afraid. I felt safe.
I had asked to know the source of my pain, the reasons why I had been treated so unfairly, and the reasons why I stayed in relationships that were not emotionally nurturing to me. I needed to know what I could do to create and receive the love that I really wanted.
With her holding my hand, we stepped over the broken shards of my heart - stopping at areas of darkness that materialized right before my eyes.
I relived each relationship one by one, with portal-by-portal coming to light. Not with the emotion attached to it, but with each question being answered. She showed me how l had lost myself, my way, how I loved each person more than I loved myself.
She showed me how I gave away so much of myself, that once without that person, like an accident victim in physical therapy, I had to learn to walk again. I had to learn how to breathe again…alone and lonely. Each time I would promise myself that it would be different next time.
Each time it was different. At least, the players were different and the pluses and minuses were different. I saw how each and every time I started out strong, but due to searching outside of myself for the love I so desperately needed and not putting myself first, I conceded. Though the relationships were different, the underlying lesson from each of them was always the same…”Be true to yourself”.
Each time it started out great but eventually turned onto a different course. Once I noticed the change in course, I felt that it was “not nice” to just bail out. I saw how my fear of failure kept me trying harder to receive and prove that I deserved what only I could give myself…unconditional love.
I saw and realized that I could not blame the other person in the relationships because one thing was for sure, they were true to themselves. Those who started out selfish remained selfish. Those who were needy remained needy. Those who were unable to commit, remained unable to commit. It was I who had changed.
It was I who altered my life, so as not to cause the other person to be insecure. It was I who decided not to do those things that fed my spirit. It was I who overlooked consistent disrespectful acts - continuing to cry, beg, plead and dramatize to have those things that should only come natural to me.
With each lesson that particular portal disappeared, leaving my heart a little lighter. My heart and I held hands and walked together through the pain, the disappointment, the fear of abandonment, the deceit from others and the deceit of myself. Neither of us uttered a single word, instead we communicated through our souls.
When it was all over, we ended up in the same place where the journey had begun. She looked lovingly into my eyes, opened her arms to me and hugged me until I could feel the pain of the past dissolve away. She then released her grip on my soul, looked me in the eye and disappeared. I thought to myself…the future is up to me now. The past is not my destiny. I have the will-power and the strength to shape my life the way I want it to be.
This was a true awakening for me and the beginning of my return from the land of the scorned; it showed me the reality of myself. The more I asked to know, the more that was revealed to me. It was as though the Universe had turned me inside out and began to dissect my distorted memories one by one. The things that I learned about myself were not pretty. I was just as mean, conniving, spiteful, manipulative, degrading, vindictive, hateful and abusive as I considered others to be. Having to face my own reality was extremely difficult. While most of my life I considered myself to be the BEST girlfriend ever, I recognized that by consistently being the BEST girlfriend ever, I was also consistently neglecting my spirit and for that I had paid a very high price.
These dark nights of my soul lasted for eighteen months during which time I formed my philosophy, The 5 Phases of Dating ™ . I spent so much energy trying to avoid the pain of relating that my initial draft was devoid of feeling. You know, the “warm-n-fuzzies” that we all feel in the beginning. This system was sure to prevent the possibility of falling into the trap of the “warm-n-fuzzies” by offering a definite plan of “counter-attack” that would protect the heart. As I continued to walk around protected, stating upfront to suitors that I was living my life by The 5 Phases, amazing things started to happen.
As it initially started out as a protective measure, by utilizing The 5 Phases, I managed to slow down long enough to see, with clarity, my dating situations. The result was an ability to see “what was” as compared to “what I wanted.” I could see what was working for me and what was not and in the process, I realized that I had achieved what once seemed impossible for me. I had completely shut down the emotional aspect of myself and found that I could be involved with an individual, truly enjoy their company and yet not think twice about beginning a relationship. One suitor told me that my mannerisms and my stand on dating were like that of a man, which was the ability to be physical without becoming emotionally entangled. Of course, to me, that was the point. I felt that we women tend to fall heart first without allowing our head time to truly assess the situation. Therefore, the feelings had to go.
To some, it may have seemed cold-hearted, but at that time, it was what I needed to do in order to maintain my sense of self while healing from my past. One thing that I could not be accused of doing was leading anyone on; I was very candid about my position on The 5 Phases. To avoid confusion and prevent anyone from feeling any sense of ownership of me, I made it clear that I was dating more than one person in various phases. Looking back, would I change anything? I would have to say no. Placing myself in the “5 Phases cocoon” allowed me the time I needed to nurture my spirit and heart into a brand new way of communicating, thinking and feeling.
I boldly stated in my columns, as well as to potential suitors at that time, that I would not begin a relationship for at least two years. (Just shows how arrogant we can be sometimes especially when we actually think that we have control over everything.) I had created and perfected my 3 lists: Must Haves, Can Compromise and Hell Naws. During my 5 Phases Boot Camp, I learned that I could shift items across lists if I deemed necessary as my experiences with each person were different and that it was okay to do so. I learned more things about myself as each person served as a mirror to me, revealing different parts of myself that I didn’t know existed or that I thought I had conquered. This gave me the opportunity to stand still with that particular issue and not run from it or deny it. I was in a state of readiness; I was ready to explore and heal and by so doing, I moved closer and closer to truly knowing my Purrfectly Authentic ™ self.
So why am I writing this book if I felt as though my initial involvement with The 5 Phases was totally one-sided? I am writing because I realized during this time that not every dating situation is a potential relationship and that at times two people will cross each other’s path because they have something to teach one another. The challenge is to slow down enough to recognize the lesson. That is what The 5 Phases of Dating ™ is all about, illustrating in each phase what to pay attention to, not only with the other person but also within you. If you are looking for a book to confirm your greatness or to verify that every unfavorable dating situation is the direct result of the other person not understanding you, then perhaps this book will not satisfy your needs. If you are ready to look within, however and see that most often these unfavorable situations occur because you do not understand yourself, then read on. Hopefully you will identify with what I learned in my own healing journey and in the end; you will find greater satisfaction within your relationships because you will have developed a better relationship with yourself.
While this book does not point fingers at the other person, it will open your eyes to the reality of your Purrfectly Authentic ™ self. By answering the questions and doing the exercises presented, you will come to a new understanding about you and your patterns; with regard to not only dating, but you will begin to see how these particular “epiphanies” spread across other areas of your life.