Purrfectly Speaking May - June 2005

By Anita Charlot

The Cost of Not Living Purrfectly Authentic ™ …by Anita Charlot

I always ask my clients to answer the question, “If they could do something that they love to do and get paid for it, what would it be?” I asked myself that question at the beginning of the year when I decided to walk away from a job that was not feeding my spirit and pursue other opportunities full time. It was not a difficult question for me to answer…I had been feeling it deep down inside. Like a melody that wouldn’t go away.

My answer was to write everyday and get paid for doing it. I have been writing for various online and in print magazines for several years now. I wrote and published my first book of poetry five years ago and I’ve been writing ever since. I have currently expanded my repertoire to include research/life experience papers for college students. This area is a little challenging for me as it requires me to write about things I truly could care less about; however, when the students are paying$$$, I’m writing. I’ve even been asked to review books of my choice and write articles about them for other magazines. This is like giving candy to a baby. Read a book of my choice, get to critique it, then not have to return it…for a true bibliophile, can it get any better than that?

On a more personal note, as some of you may already know, I have been pregnant with the concept for my next book, The Phases of Dating, for over a year now. Well, I’m proud to say, I will be delivering this baby, in print, at the Printers Row Book Fair during the June 11 th and 12 th weekend. You can find me at the table with the publisher for Moon Shadows (www.mnshadows.com), one of the in print magazines that I write a monthly column for. After this event, the book will be available only through my website, www.purrfectharmonyinc.com. Philippe has been very instrumental in getting me to this point. He has been an excellent coach and now such a wonderful friend.

In my articles past, I have been talking about living your Life Purrfectly Authentic ™; I’d like to take the time to explain to you what this means and how not Living Purrfectly Authentic ™ will cost you so much more. I have defined Living Your Life Purrfectly Authentic ™ as being truly in touch with yourself, your likes, dislikes, different moods, the reasons behind the moods, your positive side and not so positive side and having embraced each and every one of them.

I remember living my life as what I considered to be the “Purrfect girlfriend; friend; daughter and employee.” I felt as though that if I was consistent at all times, supportive when I really didn’t want to be, understanding when I didn’t want to understand, going the extra mile when I felt like throwing in the towel, continuing to put forth more effort when I already felt underpaid and unappreciated, accepting of behaviors when deep in my heart I knew I couldn’t swallow what was actually going on…then no one alive could ever say anything negative about me. And I was so deep in this self-deceit that if you opened the dictionary to look up the words Purrfect and Consistent, you would probably find my face there. HA!

This was the outcome that I was going for…but I didn’t realize until later the extravagant cost? It cost me plenty of nights of unrest; emotional highs and lows based on living this façade of an existence in order to be seen as a particular way in public; migraine headaches; upset stomachs; etc. I remember clearly saying over and over again, “If I am willing to put up with all of these behaviors that do nothing to build me up or this interaction, then why wouldn’t the other person do it as well?” It took me a long time to admit the truth, even longer to accept the truth and even longer still to begin living from my truth. They were not responsible for making me feel good about going against my spirit; if I was the one willing to dishonor it, then why would they go against that?

You see, in order to live my life Purrfectly Authentic ™ , not only did I have to accept these things about myself, but I also had to begin the process of learning how to live with the newly discovered me. The me that had worn the masks for years; the me that preached on and on about how consistent I was; the me that assumed that my unhappiness had nothing to do with me not being true to myself but more so that the other person didn’t understand me. Facing the fact that I had been a liar and taking FULL responsibility for my unhappiness was very difficult; after all, before I identified and accepted the truth, I could blame everyone else.

My heartfelt admonitions still ring loudly in my ear “You don’t understand me…No one understands me…” The truth is I didn’t understand myself and I was afraid. I was afraid that if I actually stated what I wanted; how I wanted to be treated; what I felt I deserved to be paid; how I wanted my relationship to be with others, that I would be disappointed; ridiculed; or left standing there alone. So l learned how to hide behind the masks; the words; the veil of “consistency” for so long that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

As a result, I decided to take some time out to develop a relationship with myself. I took a year sabbatical, taking the time to peel back the layers of my personality like an onion; to discover all over again who the authentic person was underneath all of the masks that I had worn for years. What I discovered excited me; angered me; made me feel ashamed, as well as encouraged and comforted me. I reviewed each of my relationships - both personal and professional - and determined where I went wrong; what I could have done differently; where I had sent mixed signals; where I had lied to myself and the other person and I realized that I was no longer this saint that I thought I had been - that person had died. My Baptist upbringing talked a lot about being born again. Not until I was able to die to my old self and be born again into the new did I fully understand what this meant.

I had to learn how to walk again; this time holding my head up high, proud of having stepped out from behind the façade that I had lived for so long. I had to learn how to talk again; communicating from my truth; being honest about what I wanted; liked; deserved; and doing so from a place of quiet confidence instead of frantic pleadings. Now that I am comfortable with who I am 100%, I don’t feel the need to argue; cry; yell; scream; or attempt to get that Grammy with my dramatic representation of my life’s play “Please understand me. I’m so special, why can’t you see it?” I now seek first to understand then to be understood.

I knew that living Purrfectly Authentic ™ would be a challenge as those moments of fear and insecurity would pop up again, but I didn’t attempt to hide them. I faced them head on, acknowledged their presence and moved through them. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my head and my heart. When I started honoring my true self, the people in my life started to do the same thing. It took a minute for me to determine who I wanted to spend the energy of “retraining” how to communicate with me and who I just needed to let go of - but I figured it out. I continue to be tempted in situations where it would be much easier to put on a mask, but I promised myself that I would never do that again…and I will do everything I can to keep that promise. Can you?